Six Leadership Styles, Emotional Intelligence and Stepping Into The Light

Background

The impacts of Covid 19 on how, where and when work is done are likely to be varied and challenging

This piece sets out to both inform, support and challenge people in Leadership, Management and Supervisory roles. Its history is  based on the findings of research and its practical applications by Daniel Goldman, Cary Cherniss and Reuven Bar-On. It has informed my professional practice (and beyond!) for the best part of twenty years.

Some years ago Cary Cherniss asked employers to list their greatest concerns their organisations face. Here's what they came up with.

1. People need to cope with massive, rapid change
2. People need to be more creative in order to drive innovation
3. People need to manage huge amounts of information
4. The organisation needs to increase customer loyalty
5. People need to be more motivated and committed
6. People need to work together better
7. The organisation needs to make better use for the the special talents available in a diverse workforce
8. The organisation needs to identify potential leaders in its ranks and prepare them to move up
9. The organisation needs to identify and recruit top talent
10. The organisation needs to make good decisions about new markets, products and strategic alliances
11. The organisation needs to prepare people for overseas assignments

Here are a few that occur to me as we adapt the above to meet today's challenges

• What are our values, how do we communicate and live them?
• How do we access, talk about and share Knowledge & Wisdom within and between organisations and partnerships?
• Can we describe what we have learned?
• How do we tell our stories about the "What is possible" in a manner that inspires others so that they want to be part of the narrative?
• Let's use "We" instead of "People"
• Let's use "Our" instead of "The" (organisation)
• Some of the above have a much sharper focus as we come to grips with our rapidly changing, challenging and uncertain futures and leaders need to think about which ones matter most right now and then act.

We are suggesting that the Post Covid Adjustment period is an ideal time for those tasked with engaging with the organisation and delivery of very different ways of working to consider how incorporating some principles related to Emotional Intelligence may help us on our journey.

We Need to Talk About The What and How 

To incorporate a blended approach to Emotionally Intelligent Leadership into our change/development processes. 

This introductory clip sets out our initial thinking and refers to an existing body of work that might inform our practice

We Have Prepared 6 Clips

Where we guide you through the elements of Leadership Styles and drawing your attention to the implications for Emotionally Intelligent Leadership to have an impact on outcomes.

In clip 1 of 6 (5:50) we talk about Visionary Leadership and how it is used to secure a Change In Direction-something that we feel is very much a "live issue" for individuals, teams and organisations.

In clip 2 of 6 (6:48) we draw attention to Affiliative Leadership a style that is particularly effective in healing rifts in teams or to motivate them in challenging times.

In clip 3 of 6 (8:57) We set out to illustrate how a Democratic Leadership Style could provide a mechanism to achieve the very necessary "buy in" required from those involved in and affected by change. We feel that this will be of particular importance in the coming months.

In clip 4 of 6 (6:08) We draw attention to the potential that resides in a Coaching Leadership Style  one that seeks to develop strengths and improve performance

The above four styles are positive and nurturing, seeking to develop and encourage others. However, we have to recognise that there are occasions where we are seeking rapid movement from place A to place B. This might mean that we are required to address resistance

In clip 5 of 6 (8:28) We consider the elements of a Coercive Leadership Style within which we require high levels of prompt compliance-this is "turn around leadership" or where there may be a history of poor performance

In clip 6 of 6 (8:46) We draw your attention to Pace Setting Leadership Here the assumption is that we have a highly skilled and motivated team in place, one that is required to bring about rapid high performance and reliability change 

On The Journey

It is suggested that successful leadership will integrate four or more of the above.

We want to open up conversations that look at how we set out on our journey with a level of awareness of how an integrated approach to Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Management and Supervision may contribute to the well being and success of organisations, partnerships and the individuals who work within them.

Corvid 19 Support Videos

We have been reaching out with a series of blogs that look at some of the challenges we are facing and the opportunities we might create as we move through the Covid 19 period. Some also look forward with a sense of hope and aspiration related to how we might create some changes for ourselves and accept that we no longer and never did by the way, control the bigger picture

I wonder if you agree that things feel very much this way right now? The aggressive spread of the pandemic has damaged our global, national, economic and personal confidence.
Until medicine, science and political will catch up, it feels that we need to take on board the adjacent message; that it is us, our expectations of ourselves and others that needs to change.

From Surviving to Growth & Thriving

These 3 videos talk about our responses to trauma and how we might grow through it. They also acknowledge that we might from time to time, be unable to maintain our progress and that “slipping back is natural and is okay:

Stage 1- The pandemic has had an impact on us all and whereas we have our individual reactions, there are some common threads we can consider. This can help us to understand that what we are experiencing might well be a "normal response to an abnormal situation"

Stage 2- This clip looks at some behaviours that tell you that you are moving in the right direction. You may want to use some of them to set yourself a target that is meaningful to you. Be kind to yourself and if you have the occasional difficult time, remember; it's just that. It doesn't have to stay that way!

Stage 3- This is the 3rd stage of the process that begins with looking at how we behave in Survival mode, moving through to Acceptance and eventually to Growth and Acceptance. It points us in the direction of some improvement criteria, behaviours that tell us we are heading towards a "better place" from where we can function more effectively. We also emphasise the importance of self-acceptance!

Feeling Overwhelmed by the News?

Here’s one of our earliest Corvid19 videos, we were very concerned about the impact 24/7 news coverage was having on individual health and well-being. Our response here is still valid as we move forward.

It’s Okay Not to Feel Okay and Here’s Why
What have unwanted changes got in common? They all put us in a place we don't want to be and they have the capacity to make us angry, sad and depressed before working our way through them. Here's how the model might apply to our current situation and how we need to challenge our thinking about what we expect of ourselves and others

Connecting, Why Bother?
Why reach out to people who aren't in your immediate circle? Why nurture relationships, the value of which isn't immediately clear? Maybe it's time for us to redefine relationships and value!

Connecting Clouds
This is the 3rd in out series "Overwhelmed By The News" and it takes a look at the value of connectivity and the positive impacts it can have on us all. It also asks us to consider what might be different about the way we work with and relate to each other once we are through the current situation.

If you're not coping well and understand that you are feeling sad, anxious and unable to shift these feeling, please talk to your General Practitioner, they will listen without judgement and advise you what to do next. 

A 3 Phase Approach To Coming To Terms with The Pandemic

The individual feelings we have about the pandemic and its impacts on us are just that-they are individual. There's nothing to be gained by pressurising yourself or anyone else by suggesting that  "Hey, you should be doing better by now!"

We've prepared a series of clips where we use the general themes in the Kubler Ross model to explain what might be happening:

And whereas the above goes some way to explaining our responses to change, loss and/or bad news, we need to agree that it is seldom a linear process. We have used a 3 Stage Approach to both describing behaviours associated with each stage, together with some ideas for approaching the challenges and the opportunities that exist as we move through the phases.

We make an important point:

 "It's okay to backslide: it doesn't mean you've failed, it's the most natural of things to happen so please don't assume that you've failed because you've had a bad day!"

And there's another, related one:

"Practice being kind to yourself!"

Here Are Our 3 Clips

Stage 1 - Survival! (5:25 Mins)

Frozen, stuck, angry, unforgiving, lethargic, guilty. All words with powerful associations and ones that feature heavily as we come to terms with the initial shock.
We discuss this and provide what we hope are some helpful observations in this, the first of our 3 clipshttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f09YKxowO-w&t=1s

Stage 2 - Acceptance (7:35 Mins)

At this point we're beginning to come to terms with the new reality and are making some healthy adjustments that are good for our well being.

We expand on this theme in our second clip

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHq-MCKx4ys

Stage 3 - Growth and Thriving (16 Mins)

Here we've built on the strength areas we talked about in our clip "Stage 2 Acceptance" and they are having a positive impact on our lives and provide us with a sense of security, purpose and direction as we move forward.
This is the longest of our clips as it reaches out into the possible whilst ensuring that we remind ourselves that we all of us have a bad day from time to time!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAIOs4AJV98&t=10s

We hope you find these helpful: please feel free to pass it on to others!

It's Okay Not To Feel Okay and Here's Why

There are occasions when we don't feel okay and these can be tough on us, especially if we hold the view that "It's my job to be okay!"That view can be formed from a number of sources and stock phrases we hear repeated time and time over. They can leave us on a lonely, cold and desolate place!

• Don't be such a cry-baby
• That's it, turn the water works on
• Big boys don't cry!
• Man up!
• Grow a pair!
• Snowflake!
• Millennial 
• Having a bad day are we?
• You think you've got problems?
• Time of the month?
• Drama queen!

You know the sort of thing, it's damaging and every time it happens it places the problem with the person who is experiencing a challenging time. My view is that it leaves a dangerous imprint, one that reinforces the view that "It's better to say nothing than reveal a weakness"

Here's a clip we produced to challenge some of the assumptions and it feels completely appropriate in the current Covid 19 situation.

It's based on the Kubler Ross Change Model, one that deals with loss, challenge and change.

The Return of Saturday Jobs-That Should Solve Everything!

If you're in Birmingham you can rely on the Number 11 Bus. It goes around the City-The Outer Circle. It always leaves and always returns and the absence of one signals the impending presence of another.

Some years ago a group suggested that people might want to spend 11 hours on the Number 11 on the 11th of the 11th month-starting at 11:00 and finishing by 23:00.  I don't think it caught on for some reason even though participants were encouraged to take pictures and post them..Strange, I thought it was a winner!

Today on the Andrew Marr Programme, hosted by Eddie Mair, the newspaper reviewers considered how the return of Saturday Jobs would help young people to understand the importance of turning up on time, looking the part, knowing how to serve people and how to take instructions and so on: you get the drift. It was suggested that this would make them more employable.

Oh would it? It's the prospect of work that makes people employable.

Building Trust Piece By Piece!

How much complexity is the result of a collapse of trust and how confused and over wrought do things get because people don't trust each other?

We deliver facilitated approaches to sometimes complex situations and amongst the familiar themes the Collapse of Trust holds a significant position. 

There's a continuum of emergent dysfunction shown below and I wouldn't want to comment about its relevance to our personal lives!

It does however occupy a significant and interesting space in the working environment.

We know and understand from our practice that work and productivity become blocked and stymied by the absence of trust, beginning at the lower left side of the continuum, with multiple stop-off points that are context specific. They are the often "invisible predictors" of failure through absence of harmony that end with a collapse of workable emotional capital at the upper-right end of the continuum.

We achieve very little on our own and reliable, performing teams are ones that help each other. Lego is a successful company and its CEO has communicated a simple message along the lines of

"You won't be blamed for failure, you will be blamed for failing to ask for help or to give help when it was needed"

Now, I don't know about you but it's unlikely that I'll ask people who I don't trust to help me-I wouldn't want to be vulnerable to their next actions. But, if I feel that way I have to accept that people who don't trust me are unlikely to ask me for help. This situation is lose/lose and stuck.When we are either helped or helpers we give an opportunity to re-frame trust and in so doing open a very different relationship with our colleagues.

We are introducing the concept of trust building in a transparent and open manner into much of our mediation and facilitation work. We are pragmatic and understand that sometimes 

"Fixed enough has to be enough"

We remain clear in our belief that it remains difficult to reach and maintain the above point where there is no trust. So, wherever the end point, trust is an essential component of the energy and motivation that takes us there.

Here's a self check list-change it around a little and you can come up with an idea about how much/little you trust a colleague

1. How much/often do my actions align with my words?
2.  Do I do what I say I will do? Am I reliable?
3. Am I up to the task/job/role? Do my competences and interactions support my intentions and the expectations of others?
4. Do I care? Do I have the interests of others in mind as well as my own and how do they know?

Feel free to get in get in touch to explore how we might help you develop higher levels of trust in your workplace and free-up some powerful co-operation!

You can contact us on jpd@dy3solutions.mygbiz.com. 

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https://twitter.com/DY3Solutions

http://www.dy-3solutions.co.uk 

Do You Communicate "Trust" Because You Merit Trustworthiness?

Trust

 "A firm belief in the reliability of truth, or ability of someone to do something"

Trust: maybe it's one of those concepts that is easier to feel and experience than to describe. An elusive commodity that's hard to gain and easy to lose, its absence is easily recognisable and keenly felt. So, how much time do we devote to considering how we present ourselves in a manner that communicates trustworthiness?

We need to be clear about our motives for wanting trust. Isn't the strength of every huckster and con-artist the ability to build acceptance and belief? At a much more sinister and serious level, targets of abuse are "groomed in order to trust" thus building an increase in compliance and a decrease in resistance.

We have available to us a number of devices and props that enable us to project an image of potential trustworthiness. The right smart-phone, appearance and mannerisms that reinforce our sometimes dangerous preconceived images of the pieces of the puzzle that says "trust me" all contribute to the seemingly capricious nature of trust.

"False must hide what false heart doth know" 

Macbeth.. Act 1: . Macbeth has finally been convinced that he should kill the King-the King (who trusts him..)

Maybe we are right to hold back on trust and to be suspicious of those who seem to over-work a "You can trust me" message. our evolutionary success is after all partly attributable to a default position that is watchful and wary.

So how as we connect with others:

• Do we build trust and in so doing become the stewards of our own trustworthiness?
• Maintain stewardship of our organisational values at in a variety of groups, sub groups and informal exchanges?
• Should our commitment to trust building might be based on a sense of personal authenticity that is enacted in our dealings with others?

We are going to follow up this article with some ideas around how we can encourage communication that supports trust building and the stewardship of values: it would be great to hear your comments and observations.

We are happy to talk to you about how our work might help you and your colleagues identify how you develop trust as individuals, groups and teams. Contact us jpd@dy3solutions.mygbiz.com or by calling us on 07984409937

Do you suffer from Imposter Syndrome?

I recently met up with a colleague for coffee. It was a “getting to know you better”’ meeting that is part of building quality relationships with people. I want to mention here and before I go on that this is a key part of developing powerful networks. If you meet people with the sole intention of “selling at them” you need to prepare yourself for a lonely existence!

Now, my colleague is successful; he has developed and grown a business and is liked, trusted and sought after. Half way down my first Americano, he told me that he worried (and I mean ‘keep you awake at night’ worried) about being found out, wanting.

We talked a little longer and by Americano no.2 we’d established the reality of his situation – that things are positive, healthy and vibrant for him. Having come to this conclusion it felt only right to acquaint my partner in caffeine with what is called the Imposter Syndrome.

In the broadest of terms, Imposter Syndrome is a feeling of:

-       I’m not up to this

-       I will be found out

-       I am not worthy of this

-       There are better people than me

…I am sure you get the picture!

We talked our way through another high quality coffee and agreed the following plan:

1.    He’d reflect on things

2.    He’d share his thoughts with someone close to him

3.    We’d meet again and if necessary put some actions in place

After doing exactly that, the result was a relaxed, future focussed and positive client! Great news for him and his family.

For me, I have the satisfaction of shifting a self-limiting belief, helping to free up some thinking as well as knowing that the only thing that might keep my colleague awake now is a coffee induced insomnia.

If you recognise the Imposter Syndrome within yourself and want to have a chat about this or are interested in any other aspect of our work them please get in touch on 07984 409937 or email us at jpd@dy3solutions.mygbiz.com. 

How asking 4 questions can make a huge difference to your life

I’m often asked about by clients and colleagues alike about what the secret is to helping people achieve something that matters to them. What I’ve found is that we sometimes have to assist our clients in understanding the powerful importance of their proposed decision and to do this we need to ask 4 questions:

1.    What will happen if I do?

2.    What will happen if I don’t?

3.    What won’t happen if I do?

4.    What won’t happen if I don’t?

Easy eh? No! Well, the first two are but then it gets complicated as we start to deal with negatives in Q3 and double negatives in Q4.

So how does it work in practice? Here’s a relatively easy example from working with a valued client who was exploring some work-life balance issues and wondering whether to address them. In answer to the above questions my client put the following:

Question 1 - If I do:

-       I’ll have a much clearer idea of what needs to change

-       I’ll be able to identify some quality time to spend with my family and friends

Question 2 - If I don’t:

-       The situation will continue as it is or it could get worse

-       There are unspoken tensions that will emerge from home

-       I won’t have the time to tell my family and to show them how much I really care

-       I’ll stay on this treadmill 

Question 3 – What won’t happen if I do:

-       I won’t continue to feel out of control

-       I won’t resent the time I spend at work

-       I won’t feel so tired all the time

Question 4 – What won’t happen if I don’t:

-       I won’t have the level of happiness I feel I need

-       I won’t feel as valued by my family

-       Be seen as having the strength of character to take some control over events

-       I won’t have the satisfaction of changing something for the better

Now, there are dozens of coaching themes that we can develop from the above responses and we hope you’ll agree that these four simple questions are a great way to explore what we might do and what is important to consider.

Why not give them a go yourself to see what it brings up? If you would like some guidance about how to approach this or want to have a chat about any other aspect of our work them please get in touch on 07984 409937 or email us at jpd@dy3solutions.mygbiz.com. 

Are You ready for A Big Change?

Champion Jockey A.P McCoy gave an interview on BBC Breakfast today and there was one big stand out message, it was that  A.P McCoy seemed at a loss to:

• Explain how he really felt
• Talk about the future in a positive manner
• Recognise his uncertainties

And in doing so created an example of a 'Toxic Trilogy' that can hit hard when we:

• Retire
• Cut back on our work commitments
• Face redundancy and lay offs
• Are taken ill
• Need to re-arrange our lives to care for a loved one

He has retired at the pinnacle of his career - we are unlikely to ever see the like of him again. He is likely to be financially secure for the rest of his life, he has created a great legacy for his loving family, he has the adoration of the racing public and the respect of his peers. And yet this morning he had the look of a man lost in an uncertain future of the 'School Run' and........well, little more emerged today.

A.P was lost for words, or rather the words needed to say how he truly felt:  He reflected not on a career but on a powerful a self-actualising identity. It was a modest view of the world from a man who was a the top of a tree he now looks at, because from the moment of he crossed the finish line for the final time he was no longer in his secure role. The danger, the camaraderie, the excitement and the adoration - gone. I hope A.P has a some great times ahead of him and that his fantastic knowledge and talents can benefit others. I hope he is happy.

At DY 3Solutions we approach life changes in way that gives our clients an opportunity to take stock of themselves, of their achievements, of what matters to them. We enable our clients to recognise the strengths they have that might help them carry their lives forward with a sense of adventure and purpose. It's an approach that recognises uncertainty and considers how we will use our assets of character and values to anchor our confidence and open the door to new opportunities and experiences.

We can work with you, your colleagues, friends and family members and our approach can be adapted to contribute to a work exit strategy. We can't guarantee happiness, we will though, make sure that our clients have had an opportunity to consider how to approach the next stage of their lives with a positive outlook and a sense of "great things to come".

For a confidential chat about how we can help call 07984 409937 or email us on jpd@dy3solutions.mybiz.com. You can also take a look at what we do by visiting www.dy-3solutions.co.uk.

What is assertiveness?

What is assertiveness? Assertiveness is the ability to express your opinions and feelings without anxiety and in a way which does not infringe on the rights of others. 

It sounds simple but expressing yourself in an appropriate manner is not always easily achieved, and there are many of us who could benefit with a little help. 

Here are some tips to put you on the path to self-awareness.

1.       Assess your current persona.

• Do you tend to shy away from relationships both personal and in the workplace?
• Do you compare yourself to others?
• Do you devalue yourself and your achievements?
• Are you apprehensive about the future?
• Do you focus on what is not working in your life rather than what is?

It may be that you are not confident enough to assert your opinion, however at the other end of the spectrum it may be that you are more than able to express your thoughts, but often find that you have unsettled others in doing so.  Either way by asking yourself a few questions, you are on the way to addressing any issues.

2.       Recognize the differences between where you feel you are at the moment and where you would like to be in the future.

Pitching your assertiveness at appropriate levels is very much a case of modifying your behaviour which has very often been ingrained over many years. 

3.       Get an outsider’s view.  Talk to a trusted friend or relative to find out how you come across to others. 

Talking to someone for 20 minutes a couple of times a week can soon start to reap reward when you realise that you are not alone. 

4.       Begin to focus on how your life will change for the better.

There are many simple steps that you can take which can give you a taster of how much more enjoyable life can be.  Writing a simple list of what you have achieved over recent days will start to give you the confidence to continue your change.

5.       Seek out support.

Speak to a line manager in your workplace who may be able to offer you a mentor to support you. 

There are also many trained professionals who can offer courses and help you implement simple strategies to help you enjoy life more. 

At DY-3Solutions we are currently offering a Workplace and Personal Assertiveness Course.   In becoming more aware of who you are, you will soon start to reap the rewards.  Whether in your personal or work life, the strategies which we can give you will make you justifiably proud of who you are and what you achieve on a daily basis. 

It is a simple step to get on to the assertiveness ladder and we have the tools to help you climb it.  We understand that lack of self-belief and low levels of confidence are not reached over night and equally it takes time and dedication to change your mind set.

We begin with a range of tasks to help you recognize emotions at every level.  You will soon notice that you receive recognition and thanks for your efforts more often than you had imagined.

Contact us on 07984 409937 for further details on the course or to discuss how we can help you.  By making the call you are already on the way to improving your life in the long term.  

Would It Surprise You To Know That People Agreed With This Simple Idea?

And here it is

"Always great to work with clients who understand that good outcomes and quick fixes don't often go together"We tweeted this in mid-January and it attracted a good number of "likes". Maybe this was at a point when some of our followers felt that the New Year Resolutions were beginning to have an impact and that things were starting to move forward.This feedback came at a time when past clients had been in touch, thanking us for our work with them and telling us about substantial changes they've made as a direct outcome of participating in one of our programmes. Here's a quotation form one of them: a few things have been changed to protect the client's identity and the name of the employer

" Hi John, I hope you remember me: I had a few sessions with you a while back when I returned to work from maternity leave and found it a struggle to work within the new team that had been created. Your sessions helped me move to the decision of putting my family first and move away from a job that came with lots of unhappiness. I did it! I set up a micro-business with a clear ten year plan. Thank you for helping me decide to get there"

What a great text to receive and it was sent at 18:51 on 31/12/2014, so maybe my former client was taking stock of the last year and looking to the future with a sense of purpose, achievement, passion and purpose.

When I think about this further there's a lot going on. We have someone who had all the resources in place to make the changes she wanted to see in her life. This was enhanced by what as I shall described as the "emotionally turbo-charged" decision to put her family first. My former client was determined that she would move away from a painful place and towards one of fulfilment and enjoyment.

Part of our blended approach is consistent with Motivational Interviewing and here's an easy to watch clip that highlights some of the techniques. I must point out that the neither of the characters is either me or my client!!!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZ-IH-V7oJ4

Changes takes time to stick and too often we try something only to slip back and we brand ourselves as "failures", we have "fallen off the ladder and crashed to the ground

I prefer to think about "regression" rather than failure. Making decisions is easy, committing to them is hard. Here's an idea-develop an internal dialogue that say something like

"Bad days notwithstanding, I can do this!"

We don't "fall off ladders", rather we slip a little on the Helter Skelter of life: it's a much healthier image because a slight slip on a helter skelter means we go back a little, recover our motivation and get on with it, We don't have to "Begin again" because we had progressed well past beginning, We were "doing it!"

I'm sure my former client has (will) have challenging days. There is however a powerful message of purpose, values and authenticity in her message to me which made it a fantastic "Happy New Year" wish without even using the words.

You can find out more about us at www.dy-3solutions.co.uk or on Facebook DY3 Solutions Ltd.

You can contact me at jpd@dy3solutions.mygbiz,com.

Good luck!

Did You Know That You Can Project The Positive With 4 Connected & Powerful Positions?

Would you agree that it's sometimes really tough to go into an appraisal meeting or a work revue and to feel that you can have some influence over the agenda?
If you've answered this with a "quiet yes" (or maybe not so quiet!), you should consider the following ideas. They will help you to develop a strong, forward facing and powerful dialogue that might just arrive like a breath of fresh air to your manager/supervisor! Here they are:

Four Powerful Positions in Establishing Yourself

·          Be able to talk about

o       A peak experience or high point when working here. This would be a time when you felt most alive and engaged and knew you were working “in flow”, getting great results, enjoying them and contributing to your organisation.

·          Be prepared to talk about

o       And without being modest-what you most value about yourself, the nature of your work and the organisation

·          Be able to identify, describe and articulate

o       The core factors that give life to your organisation, without which the organisation would cease to exist?

·          Be in a position from where you are able to state with confidence and purpose

o       The three wishes so you have to enhance the health and vitality of your organisation

Can you see how these 4 simple and powerful positions might help us re-frame our relationship with our work? Give this a try and if you'd like to know more about our work please get in touch, we're happy to help! jpd@dy3solutions.mygbiz.com 

Seeking The 18th Camel

                                             
We are often involved in "stuck situations", not the best piece of English in the world but it captures perfectly what is going on. Whether as individuals or as members of groups we can sometimes lose sight of the fact that there's "more to life" and that's because "issues" (whatever they are!) become problems that in their turn grow into deeply engrained responses that are toxic and destructive.

Desirable as it might seem the wisdom associated with "When you're in a hole, stop digging," seems to be one of the first escapees from the increasingly locked in behaviours.

We sometimes have to find ways of introducing some new thinking to free up the existing dialogue. Compromise is fine but it has to be remembered, as much a compromise will give you something you want, it will also require you to accept something you don't want! 

A shared solution works best, particularly when as in the clip, those involved feel that their individual wants and needs have been met.

These are the types of outcomes we work hard to achieve, they're also the one that "stick best".