A Coaching Story

Q:What have broken trust, listening, a car-park and a horizon got in common?

A:They all featured in a piece of coaching delivered to a client and all played their part in enabling the person to move forward.

My client had been let down by people he had trusted. Their "friendship" was in fact the systematic exploitation of a vulnerable person. Their behaviour had destroyed his trust in others and his confidence in himself. He had to all intents and purposes, evolved into a barely employable recluse

It was important to design with him an approach that stood a chance of working for him

We agreed on this

"Words have meaning and power beyond the obvious and we need to develop good communication."

We also agreed

"The actions that had led up to the situation were talked out and that going over them time after time was not going to help-we needed to describe a positive and achievable future"

So, our sessions focused on the achievable and how we might reach inwards to discover the strengths that would make the journey possible.

The following link takes you to a brief clip where I describe how we approached the challenge. It's a great example of what we do here and how prepared we are to reach out to establish some common ground within which we can nurture the beginnings of progress.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RngBWVLzkU4

A 3 Phase Approach To Coming To Terms with The Pandemic

The individual feelings we have about the pandemic and its impacts on us are just that-they are individual. There's nothing to be gained by pressurising yourself or anyone else by suggesting that  "Hey, you should be doing better by now!"

We've prepared a series of clips where we use the general themes in the Kubler Ross model to explain what might be happening:

And whereas the above goes some way to explaining our responses to change, loss and/or bad news, we need to agree that it is seldom a linear process. We have used a 3 Stage Approach to both describing behaviours associated with each stage, together with some ideas for approaching the challenges and the opportunities that exist as we move through the phases.

We make an important point:

 "It's okay to backslide: it doesn't mean you've failed, it's the most natural of things to happen so please don't assume that you've failed because you've had a bad day!"

And there's another, related one:

"Practice being kind to yourself!"

Here Are Our 3 Clips

Stage 1 - Survival! (5:25 Mins)

Frozen, stuck, angry, unforgiving, lethargic, guilty. All words with powerful associations and ones that feature heavily as we come to terms with the initial shock.
We discuss this and provide what we hope are some helpful observations in this, the first of our 3 clipshttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f09YKxowO-w&t=1s

Stage 2 - Acceptance (7:35 Mins)

At this point we're beginning to come to terms with the new reality and are making some healthy adjustments that are good for our well being.

We expand on this theme in our second clip

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHq-MCKx4ys

Stage 3 - Growth and Thriving (16 Mins)

Here we've built on the strength areas we talked about in our clip "Stage 2 Acceptance" and they are having a positive impact on our lives and provide us with a sense of security, purpose and direction as we move forward.
This is the longest of our clips as it reaches out into the possible whilst ensuring that we remind ourselves that we all of us have a bad day from time to time!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAIOs4AJV98&t=10s

We hope you find these helpful: please feel free to pass it on to others!

It's Okay Not To Feel Okay and Here's Why

There are occasions when we don't feel okay and these can be tough on us, especially if we hold the view that "It's my job to be okay!"That view can be formed from a number of sources and stock phrases we hear repeated time and time over. They can leave us on a lonely, cold and desolate place!

• Don't be such a cry-baby
• That's it, turn the water works on
• Big boys don't cry!
• Man up!
• Grow a pair!
• Snowflake!
• Millennial 
• Having a bad day are we?
• You think you've got problems?
• Time of the month?
• Drama queen!

You know the sort of thing, it's damaging and every time it happens it places the problem with the person who is experiencing a challenging time. My view is that it leaves a dangerous imprint, one that reinforces the view that "It's better to say nothing than reveal a weakness"

Here's a clip we produced to challenge some of the assumptions and it feels completely appropriate in the current Covid 19 situation.

It's based on the Kubler Ross Change Model, one that deals with loss, challenge and change.

So, What Is It Exactly You Do ?

I noticed a couple of "Congratulations" posts making their way through from LinkedIn today-a "Work Anniversary!" It's been 3 years since I changed "Coady Consultants" (Established 2003) to DY 3Solutions. The change of name didn't mean change of purpose. It did however add a new energy to my work-a fresh focus!

Painful and Frightening!

I delivered our first piece of work under the new company name from a wheelchair. Rheumatoid Arthritis had taken me completely off of my feet on the evening of July the 27th 2012. A couple of weeks later my eldest son Matt drove me to and wheeled me into a piece of Team Development Work. It was the beginning of a long road back and here's me now:

I'm not the runner I was but I'm doing it, some cycling too and I'm now setting myself some increasingly ambitious goals.....

"l already knew this thing!"

It took me some weeks to recover during which I learned again what I always knew; namely that:

"we daily skate on the thinnest of ice often without knowing how thin the ice is or what it is we're skating towards and in some cases away from! Life is capricious and struggle as we might we have little control over the events that affect us."

A Sustaining Image!

I'm pretty certain that there's not a coach/trainer/facilitator who hasn't during team-development sessions, had a Sailing Ship chosen as an illustrative metaphor for team work. My guess is that its frequent selection is something to do with the fact that it's an accessible piece of imagery that works! really, it does, giving us access to leadership, setting course, handling changes, critical incidents, teamwork, communication, handling disagreement, developing common purpose.........you get the picture.

It was used during the above session in 2012 and guess what? It appeared again this week during the afternoon of Tuesday 14th of August! I'd like to stress that this was with a different team! I like long term projects but we could have circumnavigated the globe in said galeon in three years.

"Lightbulb Moment? About Time!"

hubris

ˈhjuːbrɪs/

noun

1. excessive pride or self-confidence.

   "the self-assured hubris among economists was shaken in the late 1980s"

   synonyms:

   arrogance, conceit, conceitedness, haughtiness, pride, vanity, self-importance, self-conceit, pomposity, superciliousness, feeling of superiority; More

   • (in Greek tragedy) excessive pride towards or defiance of the gods, leading to nemesis.

   
   

Poor old Wylie Coyote's lightbulb moments don't really work out that well do they? Largely because of the above phenomena "Hubris.  His latest, best idea is simply the precursor of another major fail and so I tread carefully, on thin ice as I both mix and extend the metaphors!

My lightbulb moment was the realisation that I am for most of the time and with the exception of valued partnership work, the crew of my own ship. Now, I've contracted out some of the functions: book-keeping, accountancy, marketing and so on; largely because there are well qualified people out there who can do it better than me: specialised crew members if you will.

On Crewing My Own Ship....

Here's what I have done and can offer you.

Business:    
Communication, building influence, understanding teams, powerful stakeholder events, leadership, managing people, mediation, conflict resolution, the leader/manager/coach. Skilling, developing and transforming people. Recovery programmes for stuck” colleagues. A Values Led Approach to developing Your Business. Speaker at development days, moving towards career/life changes. Values led business development, Customer care, Dealing with Aggression and Difficult Situations

Education:
Leadership, classroom management, developing confidence and re-energising colleagues in difficult places, coaching and mentoring skills, direct intervention with learners/students groups and individuals. Speaker at Development Days, Safeguarding Trainer, Mentoring and Conflict Resolution Skills, Talking and Listening to Students, Learners, Parents and Careers.

Professional Development

Bespoke programmes for professionals

Personal Development

Bespoke programmes for individuals, designed in collaboration to meet the individual’s circumstances and desired outcomes.

Now, I'm not going to extend the metaphor any further, we're not going to "sail off into the sunset together" but  If you'd like to find out more about any of the above, give me a call on 

(+44) 07984409937 or email me at jpd@dy3solutions.mygbiz.com 

Self Sabotaging Beliefs

We've spoken about Self Sabotaging Beliefs and their capacity to stop you from:

§       Enjoying what you are doing

§       Developing and trying something else

§       Stop doing something that you know you shouldn't be doing but continue to through existing habits and Self Sabotage.

This section of our work gives you some approaches and tools with which to challenge Self Sabotage and we’ll work our way through each of the “Not So Magnificent Seven” discussed previously

Self Sabotaging Belief	Try This	Notice This
#1 When I think about what I'm doing I tend to focus on what isn't working rather than what is	Stop-set yourself some short-term “wins” and write them down/put them on your phone/tablet and when you've hit your win just mark it off. Now here’s the next bit-put your achievements into a sentence and read it out. Preferably loud, failing that a bit of “quiet self-talk “is okay too.	How recording and recognising what’s been done makes a real contribution to your energy and sense of purpose. How the next step is so much easier once you've taken the first one(s) How the “doing and noticing” prevents procrastination. You've achieved something-enjoy it!
#2 I am apprehensive about the future	Recognise that a little apprehension is okay. “Take ten deep breaths and hope for the best” isn't much of a strategy. Then look at your apprehension as friendly questions so, “I'm scared of delivering this presentation tomorrow,” changes to. “When I give this presentation, what’s the best way to introduce the theme, what do I really want people to know and how shall I wrap it up?” How will I get some feedback? And remember this; “There are only two days over which I have no control; yesterday and tomorrow”  It honestly pays you not to over-plan	When you've got an outline you are immediately in a stronger place. Notice how you start to develop alternatives and other supportive ideas Notice how you can shift the way you feel about the whole process. We’re turning a barrier into a scalable obstacle and an obstacle into a challenge. Next step? Turn that challenge into a success then write down how it feels. Notice the way you receive and address feedback

#3 I tend to devalue myself and my achievements	I’d like you to think of something you achieved and write it down. Now, I honestly don’t mind if this is a list, a spider diagram or a mind map-anything-just write it down. Then write what happened that was positive because of your achievement. Who was it important to and why? What did it mean to them, how did it make them feel?	The achievements we take for granted or devalue often have huge positive impacts on others and, if we just let them, they will do the same for us. Sometimes considering the powerful and lasting impact of a single act of kindness helps us to understand our significance and meaning “beyond the event” and that our achievements can have a massive impact on others
#4 I find that I too often compare myself to others	Consider this. Whatever field we think about there are going to be countless people who are better or worse than you.  Now, you can either use this knowledge to “big yourself up or beat yourself down” and I promise you that no-one outside of yourself and your loved one’s will notice. Be realistic and without being complacent, be kind to yourself: try to hold on to this thought: comparison works well when we see strength and adapt it or recognise something we wouldn’t want to repeat and therefore avoid it. Also please understand: we’re not going to get it right every time! Honest.	Notice that when we chose to use comparison as a positive contributor to our behaviour it changes our relationship with ourselves. Notice that relatively small adaptations have a big impact and that when you take ownership of them you begin to make them your own. Notice how finishing “I could…” sentences about what you want to achieve soon turns from a thought, to an intention and then into an action, Notice too the context in which other people succeed and be generous in the way in which you acknowledge their success,

#5 I find it hard to hold on to my gains and my achievements	Develop a “feedback friendship” with someone you trust and value. Ask this person to listen to you for 20 minutes twice a week and invite them to ask you questions. In your conversation, tell them about a gain, an achievement that really matters to you. Tell them how it has made you feel, tell them where it fits in to a bigger picture, tell them why you want more	Notice that the more you discuss what you’ve achieved in positive terms, the more it means to you. Notice that your gains and achievements have values “beyond the immediate”. Notice their impacts on others.
#6 I shy away from relationships	A big part of feeling more confident about relating to others is the health of your relationship with yourself. Some of the techniques and approaches we’ve talked about here and in previous areas of our work are focussed on improving the way we see ourselves. As you grow others will see your increased confidence, your kindness, your intentions and actions. They will recognise your authenticity and development, Relationships can’t be forced, they need time, space and consideration to develop. Our approaches will provide you with a great “starter kit” so that you might feel more confident in your abilities to be both giving to and receptive of relationships with others at all levels.	Notice how other people respond to you as you reach out and grow in confidence. Notice how you feel about yourself and ask yourself “What’s different?” Practice strong “self talk” where you express your feelings with purpose and clarity. Give examples to yourself. “I did x well because Steve and I had a really good feedback session and I can now understand…….” (You get the picture).
#7 Sometimes I feel there is no real purpose	Here are  things to do 1.      Watch the film “It’s a Wonderful Life” 2.      Make a quick list of the small kindnesses you have given today 3.      Make a quick list of the small kindnesses you have received today 4.      Get in touch with someone you haven’t spoken to for a while and tell them that they crossed your mind and you thought you’d get in touch 5.      Deliberately increase your recognition of gratitude	1.        Make sure you get the message from the film: everyone matters! 2.        You will notice that you probably gave more than you thought 3.        You will notice that you probably received more than you thought 4.        Notice the response of the person you have reached out to. Notice the strength of your feelings and try to name them 5.        Gratitude is a strong element of emotional well being. Notice how it helps your appreciation of yourself and others.

And Now?

Think about which, if any of the above statements apply to you, work on the one you feel can want to change and PLEASE notice the differences. I’d like you to remember that none of us acquired our Self Sabotaging Beliefs over night and they’re not going to disappear overnight either! Take your time, be good to yourself and (once more) NOTICE what’s happening to you and others.

Good Luck!

Contact us:

jpd@dy3solutions.mygbiz.com

07984409937

0121 602 7191

www.dy-3solutions.co.uk

Self Sabotage-Why Let Other People Mess You Up When You Can Do It Yourself?

This particular quotation has been around a while yet it seems to have enough about it to avoid falling into the cliché category.We’re adding to our resources that focus on assertiveness and have opened some ideas up about the relationship between assertiveness and confidence. I guess it is well worth stating here my observation that misplaced over-confidence is frequently accompanied by behaviours the outcomes of which are limiting and carry a degree of risk. However, the direction of this piece of work is to look at the traps we prepare for ourselves when our lack/absence of confidence expresses itself in Self Sabotaging Beliefs. Let’s take a look at the “Stand Out Seven” what they might mean and their potential limiting impacts

1. When I think about how I'm doing, I tend to focus on what is not working rather than what is

You know, let’s focus on the times we've dropped the pass or missed the deadline. Let’s haunt ourselves with the presentation that didn't go as well as it might have and dismiss all the good ones as “adequate at best”. It’s a sure-fire way of blocking your own productivity, whether at work or on personal projects.

2. I am apprehensive about the future

In all honesty you might be right to be apprehensive and as long as we’re in a place where we are exercising caution and consideration that’s okay. I see caution and consideration as a way to identify risk so that we “risk aware” and not “risk averse”. We do however need to keep this in a pragmatic and helpful space!

3. I tend to devalue myself and my achievements

This isn't about becoming a hysterical self-promoting narcissist, it’s about accepting your achievements, owning them and using them in a manner that establishes your authenticity and credibility with others and most importantly-you!

4. I find that I too often compare myself to others

Here’s an idea for you: keep on doing this and you will begin to understand that either you are much more capable than others and  they fall beneath your contempt or they are much more capable than you and you open the door to all sorts of self destructive ideas. Then again, you could chose to accept that each end of the continuum presents us with an opportunity to either help someone else or learn from someone else-either is good!

5. I find it hard to hold on to my gains and achievements

“As soon as I reach my goal, it’s gone!” Sound familiar? Look, you've got there, you've secured it and as long as you've done this by an ethical and legal route it’s yours. So hold on to it, be proud of it and help others to reach their aspirations.

6. I shy away from relationships

I have a good friend who does just this and this person’s self talk is sometimes painful to hear: “Not good looking enough,” “Who’d want to be with me?” “I'm a loner and I'm happy with it”, “There’s no-one out there for people like me.” And every time I hear this I witness a perfectly decent human being deny themselves and others of love, warmth and relationships. I hear them regurgitate the very negativity that has imprisoned them and in so doing honour only their gaoler.

7. Sometimes I feel there is no real purpose.

There are days when this seems to be the case, we all hit the rocks occasionally. But we don’t need to “stay stuck” and when this becomes a dominant belief there’s a concern. It’s a concern because if we really, really see the world this way I can promise you that the outcomes of belief number 7 will exceed the total negativity produced by adding beliefs 1+2+3+4+5+6

Next time we'll give you a chance to assess your own thoughts and feelings and look at some countering behaviours.

If you'd like to talk to us about any of the ideas raised here you can contact us on.

Mobile     07984 409937

Land Line 0121 602 7191

Twitter      @DY3Solutions

Facebook   Dy3SolutionsLtd

email us jpd@dy3solutions.mygbiz.com

http://www.dy-3solutions.co.uk/