I Wonder What Happened To...

 I've wrtten before about some of my previous work as a Head Teacher in a Pupil Referral Unit. Here's a story from the mid 1990's: just a date, the narrative continues.

We had a mixed group of troubled young people at our centre and the labels didn't mean very much-labels have a tendency to damn the future rather than to explain the past.

When working with troubled kids, there were a few things we did know and "Thing One" was, don't leave them unsupervised (stuff kicks off very quickly!).
I didn't insist on very much from the staff, having a great team for me meant helping them to do their job and we had a few conventions in place to help. The big one was that everyone's "stock-box" (pens, pencils, rulers....that sort of stuff), was replensished daily and before we started teaching. That meant that if an uncomfortable situation was gathering pace, the class teacher might send one of the kids down to the office for a piece of stock-this was a signal that some help was needed and we would take it from there. 

Monday:

Teaching started at 08:45 and at 08:55 one of the learners from Bev's group came down for some staples. I went up and Bev handed me a note

"Chris is in an awful state today!!"

Chris:(a) witty, charming, funny, open, empathetic, cooperative and biddable.

Chris: (b) abusive, quarrelsome, selfish, destructive and rejecting.

........all of the above and more!

I asked Chris to come with me to the office: I asked him how his week-end had been-

Chris: "Bad, man...bad!"

Me: Have you had any breakfast, sleep...that sort of stuff, Chris?

Chris: Nah, it's been a bad week-end.

Me: Sit down there Chris, I'll sort something out

...and in a few minutes he'd had some tea and toast and a few minutes later he was asleep and stayed asleep until 13:00. When he awakened we had version (a) restored. More tea, more toast-he was on a reduced programme and went home at 13:30 ish.

A Bad Week End

Chris had a chaotic homelife, a co-depedent relationship with his mom whose drug and alcohol abuse were accompanied by a number of fee paying sexual partners, some of them stuck around for a while and most of them didn't. Chris seldom had clean clothes and frequently stank of weed.

Chris: (to me on another occasion) It's like this Sir, she has these blokes round and they start on the rum and she gets off her face on this and weed and I have to look after her, I can't stop it but if I'm awake and around maybe that wont hurt her....it's a fucking mess, Sir. They don't want me around and I've said I'll stab 'em if they don't fuck off....

Agencies had tried their best and we were the first educational setting he'd stayed at for anymore than a couple of weeks. Social services were reluctant to take him into care, given that he would almost certainly abscond and there were real concerns about the impact of the decision on his mom's safety.

We all knew what was needed but there was no capacity to deliver the complex support package required to even give us a chance of making some positive impact beyond "rescuing the present in the hope that the future might bring us better times." This did nothing to 

• reduce his mom's alcohol dependency and drug use
• decrease mom's vulnerability to sexual exploitation
• increase her safety
• increase her agency 
• address Chris' care needs
• address Chris' educational needs

....it goes on

Chris continued with us for a few weeks more until he and his mom joined the ranks of sofa-surfers, the invisible, the troubled and troubling. He was never heard of again by our service and I remember him not for the version (b) Chris, but for the version (a). When the light shone from him it was brilliant and so was he: this was a light that at that time was reduced by circumstances beyond his or his mother's control.

Chris will be in his late 30's now....I wonder.....

Stay On The Assertiveness Ladder

Staying On The Assertiveness Ladder

Confidence is a key component of assertiveness and vice-versa. For some, confidence is also hard to acquire and easy to lose. So, it's useful to begin to understand some of the elements that can increase your confidence: what is it you'd like to be confident about?

When we've worked with clients whose personal and or professional confidence is in a bad place, part of the challenge is to help people to understand that they have some "rights." Now, whereas the list below spells some of them out, we're not always going to feel good about asking for them to be met. Nonetheless, here we go:

• I have the right to say no
• I have the right to ask questions
• I have the right to express my opinions
• I have the right to make my own mistakes
• I have the right to put my own need in front of others
• I have the right to ask for help and support when I need it

And it's fair to state that some of our work is an outcome of individuals feeling that they are not recognised, that they have in some ways "ceased to exist" and that their rights are denied

We believe that we can be more confident and assertive if we have a go at contextualising what it is we actually want to experience happening to us. Doing this gives us access to a much clearer and clean conversation with those who we feel are denying us.

It's also important to remember that this is an "Upwards/Downwards/Sideways" process that can be used with colleagues across the organisation. Upwards intimidation happens too!

Here Are Some Questions for You:

If you are not being heard, you are going to suppress some really important ideas and feelings; if this happens:

• What impact does it have on you?
• What impact does it have on your team?
• What impact does it have on the quality of your work?
• What impact does it have on your happiness and well-being?
• What impact does it have on your family and friends?

It's really helpful if we set this out in a format that helps to be clear about what we want for example:

My rights

• I have the right to:-"Challenge Ray when he sets short deadlines"
• I have the right to:-"Turn off my work mobile at 7.pm/ leave it off until 7.30 a.m
• I have the right to:-"Be given time to develop my ideas and be heard"

So here are 3 prompts to get you thinking:-

• What would you out on your "Rights List"?
• What would you prioritise?
• If things changed for the better, what would you notice?

Good luck! And if you'd like to know more you can contact us at jpd@dy3solutions.mygbiz.com You can find out more about our work on our web-site www.dy-3solutions.co.uk

SOME IDEAS ABOUT ASSESRTIVENESS

"John, he's not assertive, just bloody rude!" Was the response to what I thought was a pretty neutral question to a manager about a team-member about who we had been approached with a view to helping him to "moderate his style".

Assertiveness. The subject of training programmes, coaching interventions and one-to-one conversations with a sad truth attached to it. The necessary amount is often context specific and power related.

So, what do we do about getting off the fence and understanding something about assertiveness and its relationship with how we feel about others and how we feel about ourselves, how do we exercise some control over our messages and for supervisors and managers who encourage their team-members to participate in assertiveness programmes? Do they in turn need to be careful what they wish for? 

Individuals who overplay their assertiveness are hard work and they need to understand that as with any "overplayed strength", it can end up hurting you. It's tough to face up to the fact that your "clarity and purpose and willingness to challenge," can be easily (and yes, sometimes deliberately and cynically) misinterpreted

And for the non-assertive? I sometimes ask "Who told you that it's not okay to express yourself and to ask to be treated with dignity: who said "You don't matter and neither does your opinion? Who told you that you should "Shut up and get on with it without ever expecting to be heard?"

There's a good chance that at either end of the spectrum, there's something damaging happening, either to the person concerned, their colleagues, their families. Our work in Coaching and Mediation is varied and interesting with each person's story generating fascinating, sometimes challenging and occasionally distressing insights as we strive to "meet our clients where they are." Part of our processes enable them to understand the power they can give themselves by trying strategies that allow them consider alternative ways of doing things, of managing their interactions. This sometimes requires a "Fake it till you make it." approach. We ask them to "notice what's changing" when so doing.

Interestingly, the word "Confidence" starts to appear! It's a challenge and we'll be developing this theme over the next few posts. In the meantime, feel free to contact us should you wish to talk about this or any of our other services shown on our website http://www.dy-3solutions.co.uk/

John