I Wonder What Happened To...

 I've wrtten before about some of my previous work as a Head Teacher in a Pupil Referral Unit. Here's a story from the mid 1990's: just a date, the narrative continues.

We had a mixed group of troubled young people at our centre and the labels didn't mean very much-labels have a tendency to damn the future rather than to explain the past.

When working with troubled kids, there were a few things we did know and "Thing One" was, don't leave them unsupervised (stuff kicks off very quickly!).
I didn't insist on very much from the staff, having a great team for me meant helping them to do their job and we had a few conventions in place to help. The big one was that everyone's "stock-box" (pens, pencils, rulers....that sort of stuff), was replensished daily and before we started teaching. That meant that if an uncomfortable situation was gathering pace, the class teacher might send one of the kids down to the office for a piece of stock-this was a signal that some help was needed and we would take it from there. 

Monday:

Teaching started at 08:45 and at 08:55 one of the learners from Bev's group came down for some staples. I went up and Bev handed me a note

"Chris is in an awful state today!!"

Chris:(a) witty, charming, funny, open, empathetic, cooperative and biddable.

Chris: (b) abusive, quarrelsome, selfish, destructive and rejecting.

........all of the above and more!

I asked Chris to come with me to the office: I asked him how his week-end had been-

Chris: "Bad, man...bad!"

Me: Have you had any breakfast, sleep...that sort of stuff, Chris?

Chris: Nah, it's been a bad week-end.

Me: Sit down there Chris, I'll sort something out

...and in a few minutes he'd had some tea and toast and a few minutes later he was asleep and stayed asleep until 13:00. When he awakened we had version (a) restored. More tea, more toast-he was on a reduced programme and went home at 13:30 ish.

A Bad Week End

Chris had a chaotic homelife, a co-depedent relationship with his mom whose drug and alcohol abuse were accompanied by a number of fee paying sexual partners, some of them stuck around for a while and most of them didn't. Chris seldom had clean clothes and frequently stank of weed.

Chris: (to me on another occasion) It's like this Sir, she has these blokes round and they start on the rum and she gets off her face on this and weed and I have to look after her, I can't stop it but if I'm awake and around maybe that wont hurt her....it's a fucking mess, Sir. They don't want me around and I've said I'll stab 'em if they don't fuck off....

Agencies had tried their best and we were the first educational setting he'd stayed at for anymore than a couple of weeks. Social services were reluctant to take him into care, given that he would almost certainly abscond and there were real concerns about the impact of the decision on his mom's safety.

We all knew what was needed but there was no capacity to deliver the complex support package required to even give us a chance of making some positive impact beyond "rescuing the present in the hope that the future might bring us better times." This did nothing to 

• reduce his mom's alcohol dependency and drug use
• decrease mom's vulnerability to sexual exploitation
• increase her safety
• increase her agency 
• address Chris' care needs
• address Chris' educational needs

....it goes on

Chris continued with us for a few weeks more until he and his mom joined the ranks of sofa-surfers, the invisible, the troubled and troubling. He was never heard of again by our service and I remember him not for the version (b) Chris, but for the version (a). When the light shone from him it was brilliant and so was he: this was a light that at that time was reduced by circumstances beyond his or his mother's control.

Chris will be in his late 30's now....I wonder.....

Six Leadership Styles, Emotional Intelligence and Stepping Into The Light

Background

The impacts of Covid 19 on how, where and when work is done are likely to be varied and challenging

This piece sets out to both inform, support and challenge people in Leadership, Management and Supervisory roles. Its history is  based on the findings of research and its practical applications by Daniel Goldman, Cary Cherniss and Reuven Bar-On. It has informed my professional practice (and beyond!) for the best part of twenty years.

Some years ago Cary Cherniss asked employers to list their greatest concerns their organisations face. Here's what they came up with.

1. People need to cope with massive, rapid change
2. People need to be more creative in order to drive innovation
3. People need to manage huge amounts of information
4. The organisation needs to increase customer loyalty
5. People need to be more motivated and committed
6. People need to work together better
7. The organisation needs to make better use for the the special talents available in a diverse workforce
8. The organisation needs to identify potential leaders in its ranks and prepare them to move up
9. The organisation needs to identify and recruit top talent
10. The organisation needs to make good decisions about new markets, products and strategic alliances
11. The organisation needs to prepare people for overseas assignments

Here are a few that occur to me as we adapt the above to meet today's challenges

• What are our values, how do we communicate and live them?
• How do we access, talk about and share Knowledge & Wisdom within and between organisations and partnerships?
• Can we describe what we have learned?
• How do we tell our stories about the "What is possible" in a manner that inspires others so that they want to be part of the narrative?
• Let's use "We" instead of "People"
• Let's use "Our" instead of "The" (organisation)
• Some of the above have a much sharper focus as we come to grips with our rapidly changing, challenging and uncertain futures and leaders need to think about which ones matter most right now and then act.

We are suggesting that the Post Covid Adjustment period is an ideal time for those tasked with engaging with the organisation and delivery of very different ways of working to consider how incorporating some principles related to Emotional Intelligence may help us on our journey.

We Need to Talk About The What and How 

To incorporate a blended approach to Emotionally Intelligent Leadership into our change/development processes. 

This introductory clip sets out our initial thinking and refers to an existing body of work that might inform our practice

We Have Prepared 6 Clips

Where we guide you through the elements of Leadership Styles and drawing your attention to the implications for Emotionally Intelligent Leadership to have an impact on outcomes.

In clip 1 of 6 (5:50) we talk about Visionary Leadership and how it is used to secure a Change In Direction-something that we feel is very much a "live issue" for individuals, teams and organisations.

In clip 2 of 6 (6:48) we draw attention to Affiliative Leadership a style that is particularly effective in healing rifts in teams or to motivate them in challenging times.

In clip 3 of 6 (8:57) We set out to illustrate how a Democratic Leadership Style could provide a mechanism to achieve the very necessary "buy in" required from those involved in and affected by change. We feel that this will be of particular importance in the coming months.

In clip 4 of 6 (6:08) We draw attention to the potential that resides in a Coaching Leadership Style  one that seeks to develop strengths and improve performance

The above four styles are positive and nurturing, seeking to develop and encourage others. However, we have to recognise that there are occasions where we are seeking rapid movement from place A to place B. This might mean that we are required to address resistance

In clip 5 of 6 (8:28) We consider the elements of a Coercive Leadership Style within which we require high levels of prompt compliance-this is "turn around leadership" or where there may be a history of poor performance

In clip 6 of 6 (8:46) We draw your attention to Pace Setting Leadership Here the assumption is that we have a highly skilled and motivated team in place, one that is required to bring about rapid high performance and reliability change 

On The Journey

It is suggested that successful leadership will integrate four or more of the above.

We want to open up conversations that look at how we set out on our journey with a level of awareness of how an integrated approach to Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Management and Supervision may contribute to the well being and success of organisations, partnerships and the individuals who work within them.

A Coaching Story

Q:What have broken trust, listening, a car-park and a horizon got in common?

A:They all featured in a piece of coaching delivered to a client and all played their part in enabling the person to move forward.

My client had been let down by people he had trusted. Their "friendship" was in fact the systematic exploitation of a vulnerable person. Their behaviour had destroyed his trust in others and his confidence in himself. He had to all intents and purposes, evolved into a barely employable recluse

It was important to design with him an approach that stood a chance of working for him

We agreed on this

"Words have meaning and power beyond the obvious and we need to develop good communication."

We also agreed

"The actions that had led up to the situation were talked out and that going over them time after time was not going to help-we needed to describe a positive and achievable future"

So, our sessions focused on the achievable and how we might reach inwards to discover the strengths that would make the journey possible.

The following link takes you to a brief clip where I describe how we approached the challenge. It's a great example of what we do here and how prepared we are to reach out to establish some common ground within which we can nurture the beginnings of progress.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RngBWVLzkU4

Do You Listen Well Enough To Build Trust?

Here's the second in our series of posts about trust and its role in improving and developing communication. Before we continue, I'd like you to consider how you feel when you know you are not being listened to? It's a complete turn off isn't it ?

Here are Twenty One Ways to “Up Your Listening Game!”

1. Focus on what’s being said and switch you inner thoughts off. This is a great skill to acquire and use: it creates space for you to really take in what is being said without “scripting the next thing you want to say” as you do.

2. Stay switched on and you can do this by not mentally planning what to say next. This follows on from the above: when we’re planning our response we’re not listening-and it shows!

3. We are often tempted to label people on the basis of what they've said-this will get in the way of good listening . Who people remind you of, the way you've responded to this sort of thing in the past can get in the way of good listening.  So can “negative bias”, it is part of  above: because we've associated words used or the way in which they are said with our negative images, we donate the associations to the person we’re now with.
  

4. Suspend your existing knowledge of and beliefs about the person to whom you are listening because of you don’t, you’ll be listening to yourself affirming what you believed before the conversation started. This cuts down on the chances of you hearing the message in the context in which it is delivered. Without this you can limit your capacity to accept that people are open to new ideas and might want to change. 

5. Interruptions don’t help!  Honestly, they don’t.  Give some thought to how you feel when you’re interrupted…. 

6. Let the other person develop their train of thought. Not always easy but always valuable. We sometimes have to create time, space and cues for this to happen. 

7. Keep the eye contact in place and not too intense-it sends out all the wrong signals-honestly! Over focusing on the eyes is, generally speaking either about attraction or aggression. You can triangulate your gaze between the upper eyes and above the chin of the person with whom you are in conversation. 

8. Good non-verbal attention matters. We can think about how people express themselves with their hands.  We can be on the lookout for fidgeting, looking away, looking downwards and inwards.

9. If someone’s body language has changed, it’s for a reason-be aware, it can help you to frame a helpful question/suggestion. It shows that you are building rapport

•  “I wonder if I could (ask you a question/suggest?) is a good way of re-engaging when you've picked up on a change followed up by

•  “Tell me where you are with this right now?”
• 
  

10. External distractions are just that. They are external and distracting. (We’re not including unscheduled fire alarms here)


11. Avoid sticking your own labels on already crowded surfaces; “Well, what can you expect from….”Keep open and focused.

12. There is a place for preaching and it’s not here!

13. If you’re coming up with a diagnosis, you’re probably not listening to the patient! a. Given time and space, the speaking and listening process increases the speakers opportunity to discover what needs to change/ be done.


14. Clichés have their place and role-they can appear to close off discussion and leave people feeling unheard and sometimes patronised


15. Other concerns and worries are just that-they are never irrelevant . They form part of the person's day to day experience of life

16. No matter how tempting, there are times when telling people that “It’s not worth bothering about” it trivializes their concerns and may inhibit their confidence in expressing themselves . If it matters, it matters! We can ask questions along the lines of “How important do you think this will be in ……… (days/week/months etc..) We shouldn't however underplay the significance of concerns to the person who is affected by them.

17. False re-assurance is unhelpful, particularly if you’re in no position to legitimately offer it. “Oh don’t worry, that’ll never happen” is only valid if you are the person who was going to make “it” happen and have decided not to!  Otherwise we need to consider the points raised in 16 above.  We need too to be aware of our credibility given that we might not have the fullest of pictures of the day to day challenges and experiences of the person we are working with.

18. Show patience-use para verbals  when people are taking time to develop their points . We use them nearly all of the time!

19. Collusion with the unacceptable is unacceptable. We present ourselves as positive role models. It is a standard that we must not let slip: our credibility goes with it!

20. Accept that there are occasions when you may have to work quite hard to truly understand how people feel. a. Understanding the day-to day experiences, ambitions and challenges of others is hard going. However, we meet our colleagues “Where they are.” We need to accept that isn't where we would like them to be!

21. Accept that there are times when you won’t understand how other people feel-offer them an affirmation “I can tell how strongly you feel about that.” It gives them an option to further explain and, should they not wish to so do, it’s a positive way of exiting the impasse. 

If you'd like to find out more about the work we do on developing Trust and Building you can talk to us on 07984409937 or by email jpd@dy3solutions.mygbiz.com.