Saturday, 3 June 2017
I met up with a colleague for coffee. It was a “getting to know you better”’ meeting that is part of building quality relationships with people. I want to mention here and before I go on that this is a key part of developing powerful relationships. If you meet people with the sole intention of “selling at them” you need to prepare yourself for a lonely existence!
Now, my colleague is successful; he has developed and grown a business and is liked, trusted and sought after. Half way down my first Americano, he told me that he worried (and I mean ‘keep you awake at night’ worried) about being found out, wanting.
We talked a little longer and by Americano no.2 we’d established the reality of his situation – that things are positive, healthy and vibrant for him. Having come to this conclusion it felt only right to acquaint my partner in caffeine with what is called the Impostor Syndrome.
In the broadest of terms, Impostor Syndrome is a feeling of:
- I’m not up to this
- I will be found out
- I am not worthy of this
- There are better people than me
…I am sure you get the picture!
We talked our way through another high quality coffee and agreed the following plan:
1. He’d reflect on things
2. He’d share his thoughts with someone close to him
3. We’d meet again and if necessary put some actions in place
After doing exactly that, the result was a relaxed, future focused and positive client! Great news for him and his family.
For me, I have the satisfaction of shifting a self-limiting belief, helping to free up some thinking as well as knowing that the only thing that might keep my colleague awake now is a coffee induced insomnia.
If you recognise the Impostor Syndrome within yourself or someone you know and want to have a chat about this or are interested in any other aspect of our work them please get in touch on 07984 409937 or email us at email@example.com.
Sunday, 2 April 2017
If you're in Birmingham you can rely on the Number 11 Bus. It goes around the City-The Outer Circle. It always leaves and always returns and the absence of one signals the impending presence of another.
Some years ago a group suggested that people might want to spend 11 hours on the Number 11 on the 11th of the 11th month-starting at 11:00 and finishing by 23:00. I don't think it caught on for some reason even though participants were encouraged to take pictures and post them..Strange, I thought it was a winner!
Today on the Andrew Marr Programme, hosted by Eddie Mair, the newspaper reviewers considered how the return of Saturday Jobs would help young people to understand the importance of turning up on time, looking the part, knowing how to serve people and how to take instructions and so on: you get the drift. It was suggested that this would make them more employable.
Oh would it? It's the prospect of work that makes people employable.
Tuesday, 29 November 2016
How much complexity is the result of a collapse of trust and how confused and over wrought do things get because people don't trust each other?
We deliver facilitated approaches to sometimes complex situations and amongst the familiar themes the Collapse of Trust holds a significant position.
There's a continuum of emergent dysfunction shown below and I wouldn't want to comment about its relevance to our personal lives!
It does however occupy a significant and interesting space in the working environment.
We know and understand from our practice that work and productivity become blocked and stymied by the absence of trust, beginning at the lower left side of the continuum, with multiple stop-off points that are context specific. They are the often "invisible predictors" of failure through absence of harmony that end with a collapse of workable emotional capital at the upper-right end of the continuum.
We achieve very little on our own and reliable, performing teams are ones that help each other. Lego is a successful company and its CEO has communicated a simple message along the lines of
"You won't be blamed for failure, you will be blamed for failing to ask for help or to give help when it was needed"
Now, I don't know about you but it's unlikely that I'll ask people who I don't trust to help me-I wouldn't want to be vulnerable to their next actions. But, if I feel that way I have to accept that people who don't trust me are unlikely to ask me for help. This situation is lose/lose and stuck.When we are either helped or helpers we give an opportunity to re-frame trust and in so doing open a very different relationship with our colleagues.
We are introducing the concept of trust building in a transparent and open manner into much of our mediation and facilitation work. We are pragmatic and understand that sometimes
"Fixed enough has to be enough"
We remain clear in our belief that it remains difficult to reach and maintain the above point where there is no trust. So, wherever the end point, trust is an essential component of the energy and motivation that takes us there.
Here's a self check list-change it around a little and you can come up with an idea about how much/little you trust a colleague
- How much/often do my actions align with my words?
- Do I do what I say I will do? Am I reliable?
- Am I up to the task/job/role? Do my competences and interactions support my intentions and the expectations of others?
- Do I care? Do I have the interests of others in mind as well as my own and how do they know?
Feel free to get in get in touch to explore how we might help you develop higher levels of trust in your workplace and free-up some powerful co-operation!
You can contact us on firstname.lastname@example.org.
Thursday, 25 August 2016
In 1989 I was seconded into a two-year post in a West Midlands Local Authority. Here I met very, very few of the "timeserver stereo-types" and a significant number of dedicated and hard working people. Things moved at a different pace largely because........well a number of reasons really but here's a significant one
The technology involved in getting messages to people was pretty straight forward we could
someone and talk to them..........
Speak into one of these
And give the Mini Cassette to the supervisor of the people who worked these
And after a wait, very much decided upon by how important you were, you'd get your stuff back-a couple of days usually.
Then you would re-check it and very often realise that you might not be conveying the intended message: wrong words, wrong phraseology, wrong context and vulnerable to misinterpretation. So you'd change it or decide another, more personal approach was more appropriate.
At DY3 Solutions we deliver a significant amount of work related conflict resolution and mediation and guess what's at the bottom of a lot of the discontent, anger and hurt we see and hear expressed....................................These:
The combination of instant communication and the means to read it anywhere. And here's something else to consider:
The more names you add onto the CC line, the greater the potential to create offence and "hard to fix" fractures in relationships. It's a way of giving a public admonishment, of stating how right you are and how wrong the recipient might be.
And once it's out there, it's out there.
As far as technology goes I wouldn't much like to go back to the late '80's. I like email and I get it. There are also times when I would happily dis-invent it. However those waits and delays gave time to reconsider and re-frame: valuable time. Time in which we might even
....and talk to each other.
If you need any help with work-based relationships, then please get in touch. Drop me an email email@example.com and I'll get back to you. In the meantime, prune the CC lists and
Before you press
Tuesday, 31 May 2016
If we ask the question
"What must a team have to perform well?"
I'm going to suggest that "Trust" will appear fairly high up the list.
We need also to incorporate "Optimism"-that the Team's purpose is a good one and that it honours
Our individual values
And we need to know that we're doing the right things for the right reasons.
Unfortunately, trust and optimism are easily manipulated to serve individual needs and ambitions. There are after all ample opportunities for some to pay lip service only to the idea of serving core values. Some organisations have set out to define what it is they mean by trust and integrity and their importance in shaping the expectations and experiences of their partners and stakeholders.
However, the building and maintenance of high quality internal trust is much harder than presenting positive external messages. The impact of hidden untrustworthiness on teams is destructive and will progressively annihilate purposeful alignments made by other team members. The manipulation or abandonment of trust reduces the chances of group success. The focus shifts to looking for what's not working rather than what is and members are vulnerable to becoming risk averse rather than risk aware as there is a reduction in their faith in others to support them when the going gets tough. Teams form within teams, individuals consider "What's in this for me?" rather than "How does this serve our group?" When this is the emergent case, expect the group/team purpose, to lose energy and to toxify: it's a great way of developing an
"Optimism Free Zone"
(Oh yes, I'd love to work in one of those!)
Maybe you could propose to teams that they might want to consider something along the lines of:
"It is agreed that trust and integrity are essential components of a healthy, well-functioning team. How do we honour our commitment to trust? How will we talk about it and how will we challenge ourselves and each other when we feel trust has been compromised?"
Expect some interesting and thought provoking responses!
Thursday, 14 January 2016
Here's the second in our series of posts about trust and its role in improving and developing communication. Before we continue, I'd like you to consider how you feel when you know you are not being listened to? It's a complete turn off isn't it ?
Here are Twenty One Ways to
“Up Your Listening Game!”
1. Focus on what’s being said and switch you inner thoughts off. This is a great skill to acquire and use: it creates space for you to really take in what is being said without “scripting the next thing you want to say” as you do.
2. Stay switched on and you can do this by not
mentally planning what to say next. This follows on from the above: when
we’re planning our response we’re not listening-and it shows!
are often tempted to label people on the basis of what they've said-this will
get in the way of good listening . Who people remind you of, the way you've responded to this sort of thing in the past can get in the way of good
listening. So can “negative bias”, it is part of above: because we've associated words used or the way in which they are said with our negative
images, we donate the associations to the person we’re now with.
4. Suspend your existing knowledge of and beliefs about the person to whom you are listening because of you don’t, you’ll be listening to yourself affirming what you believed before the conversation started. This cuts down on the chances of you hearing the message in the context in which it is delivered. Without this you can limit your capacity to accept that people are open to new ideas and might want to change.
don’t help! Honestly, they don’t. Give some thought to how you feel when you’re interrupted….
6. Let the other person develop their train of
thought. Not always easy but always valuable. We sometimes have to create
time, space and cues for this to happen.
the eye contact in place and not too intense-it sends out all the wrong
signals-honestly! Over focusing on the eyes is, generally speaking either
about attraction or aggression. You can triangulate your gaze between the upper eyes and above the
chin of the person with whom you are in conversation.
non-verbal attention matters. We can think about how people express
themselves with their hands. We can be on the lookout for fidgeting, looking away, looking
downwards and inwards.
8. Good non-verbal attention matters. We can think about how people express themselves with their hands. We can be on the lookout for fidgeting, looking away, looking downwards and inwards.
someone’s body language has changed, it’s for a reason-be aware, it can help
you to frame a helpful question/suggestion. It shows that you are building
- “I wonder if I could (ask
you a question/suggest?) is a good way of re-engaging when you've picked up on
a change followed up by
10. External distractions are just that. They are
external and distracting. (We’re not including unscheduled fire alarms here)
- “Tell me where you are with this right now?”
sticking your own labels on already crowded surfaces; “Well, what can you
expect from….”Keep open and focused.
12. There is a place for preaching and it’s not here!
13. If you’re coming up with a diagnosis, you’re
probably not listening to the patient! a. Given time and space, the speaking
and listening process increases the speakers opportunity to discover what needs
to change/ be done.
have their place and role-they can appear to close off discussion and leave
people feeling unheard and sometimes patronised
concerns and worries are just that-they are never irrelevant . They form part
of the person's day to day experience of life
16. No matter how tempting, there are times when telling people that “It’s not worth bothering about” it trivializes their concerns and may inhibit their confidence in expressing themselves . If it matters, it matters! We can ask questions along the lines of “How important do you think this will be in ……… (days/week/months etc..) We shouldn't however underplay the significance of concerns to the person who is affected by them.
17. False re-assurance is unhelpful, particularly if you’re in no position to legitimately offer it. “Oh don’t worry, that’ll never happen” is only valid if you are the person who was going to make “it” happen and have decided not to! Otherwise we need to consider the points raised in 16 above. We need too to be aware of our credibility given that we might not have the fullest of pictures of the day to day challenges and experiences of the person we are working with.
18. Show patience-use para verbals when people are taking time to develop their points . We use them nearly all of the time!
19. Collusion with the unacceptable is unacceptable. We present ourselves as positive role models. It is a standard that we must not let slip: our credibility goes with it!
20. Accept that there are occasions when you may have to work quite hard to truly understand how people feel. a. Understanding the day-to day experiences, ambitions and challenges of others is hard going. However, we meet our colleagues “Where they are.” We need to accept that isn't where we would like them to be!
21. Accept that there are times when you won’t understand how other people feel-offer them an affirmation “I can tell how strongly you feel about that.” It gives them an option to further explain and, should they not wish to so do, it’s a positive way of exiting the impasse.