Tuesday 28 October 2014

Self Sabotaging Beliefs

We've spoken about Self Sabotaging Beliefs and their capacity to stop you from:
§       Enjoying what you are doing
§       Developing and trying something else
§       Stop doing something that you know you shouldn't be doing but continue to through existing habits and Self Sabotage.

 This section of our work gives you some approaches and tools with which to challenge Self Sabotage and we’ll work our way through each of the “Not So Magnificent Seven” discussed previously

Self Sabotaging Belief
Try This
Notice This
#1 When I think about what I'm doing I tend to focus on what isn't working rather than what is

Stop-set yourself some short-term “wins” and write them down/put them on your phone/tablet and when you've hit your win just mark it off. Now here’s the next bit-put your achievements into a sentence and read it out. Preferably loud, failing that a bit of “quiet self-talk “is okay too.
How recording and recognising what’s been done makes a real contribution to your energy and sense of purpose.
How the next step is so much easier once you've taken the first one(s)
How the “doing and noticing” prevents procrastination.
You've achieved something-enjoy it!
#2 I am apprehensive about the future

Recognise that a little apprehension is okay. “Take ten deep breaths and hope for the best” isn't much of a strategy. Then look at your apprehension as friendly questions so, “I'm scared of delivering this presentation tomorrow,” changes to. “When I give this presentation, what’s the best way to introduce the theme, what do I really want people to know and how shall I wrap it up?”
How will I get some feedback?
And remember this; “There are only two days over which I have no control; yesterday and tomorrow”  It honestly pays you not to over-plan
When you've got an outline you are immediately in a stronger place.
Notice how you start to develop alternatives and other supportive ideas
Notice how you can shift the way you feel about the whole process. We’re turning a barrier into a scalable obstacle and an obstacle into a challenge. Next step? Turn that challenge into a success then write down how it feels.
Notice the way you receive and address feedback

#3 I tend to devalue myself and my achievements

I’d like you to think of something you achieved and write it down. Now, I honestly don’t mind if this is a list, a spider diagram or a mind map-anything-just write it down.
Then write what happened that was positive because of your achievement. Who was it important to and why? What did it mean to them, how did it make them feel?
The achievements we take for granted or devalue often have huge positive impacts on others and, if we just let them, they will do the same for us. Sometimes considering the powerful and lasting impact of a single act of kindness helps us to understand our significance and meaning “beyond the event” and that our achievements can have a massive impact on others
#4 I find that I too often compare myself to others

Consider this. Whatever field we think about there are going to be countless people who are better or worse than you.  Now, you can either use this knowledge to “big yourself up or beat yourself down” and I promise you that no-one outside of yourself and your loved one’s will notice.
Be realistic and without being complacent, be kind to yourself: try to hold on to this thought: comparison works well when we see strength and adapt it or recognise something we wouldn’t want to repeat and therefore avoid it. Also please understand: we’re not going to get it right every time! Honest.
Notice that when we chose to use comparison as a positive contributor to our behaviour it changes our relationship with ourselves.
Notice that relatively small adaptations have a big impact and that when you take ownership of them you begin to make them your own.
Notice how finishing “I could…” sentences about what you want to achieve soon turns from a thought, to an intention and then into an action,
Notice too the context in which other people succeed and be generous in the way in which you acknowledge their success,

#5 I find it hard to hold on to my gains and my achievements

Develop a “feedback friendship” with someone you trust and value. Ask this person to listen to you for 20 minutes twice a week and invite them to ask you questions. In your conversation, tell them about a gain, an achievement that really matters to you. Tell them how it has made you feel, tell them where it fits in to a bigger picture, tell them why you want more
Notice that the more you discuss what you’ve achieved in positive terms, the more it means to you.
Notice that your gains and achievements have values “beyond the immediate”.
Notice their impacts on others.
#6 I shy away from relationships

A big part of feeling more confident about relating to others is the health of your relationship with yourself. Some of the techniques and approaches we’ve talked about here and in previous areas of our work are focussed on improving the way we see ourselves. As you grow others will see your increased confidence, your kindness, your intentions and actions. They will recognise your authenticity and development, Relationships can’t be forced, they need time, space and consideration to develop. Our approaches will provide you with a great “starter kit” so that you might feel more confident in your abilities to be both giving to and receptive of relationships with others at all levels.
Notice how other people respond to you as you reach out and grow in confidence.
Notice how you feel about yourself and ask yourself “What’s different?”
Practice strong “self talk” where you express your feelings with purpose and clarity. Give examples to yourself. “I did x well because Steve and I had a really good feedback session and I can now understand…….” (You get the picture).
#7 Sometimes I feel there is no real purpose
Here are  things to do
1.      Watch the film “It’s a Wonderful Life”
2.      Make a quick list of the small kindnesses you have given today
3.      Make a quick list of the small kindnesses you have received today
4.      Get in touch with someone you haven’t spoken to for a while and tell them that they crossed your mind and you thought you’d get in touch
5.      Deliberately increase your recognition of gratitude
1.        Make sure you get the message from the film: everyone matters!
2.        You will notice that you probably gave more than you thought
3.        You will notice that you probably received more than you thought
4.        Notice the response of the person you have reached out to. Notice the strength of your feelings and try to name them
5.        Gratitude is a strong element of emotional well being. Notice how it helps your appreciation of yourself and others.

And Now?

Think about which, if any of the above statements apply to you, work on the one you feel can want to change and PLEASE notice the differences. I’d like you to remember that none of us acquired our Self Sabotaging Beliefs over night and they’re not going to disappear overnight either! Take your time, be good to yourself and (once more) NOTICE what’s happening to you and others.

Good Luck!

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